If I Could Make My Girlfriends My Boyfriend

Life Partner, Best Friend, Domestic Partner, Heterosexual Life Mate...

Whatever term you use, I'm talking about women best friends. I spent my weekend with some of my best ladies and it got me thinking - if only I could date my girlfriends. I'd take certain traits from each (because they fulfill my different needs) and mold them into the perfect boyfriend. All of my single problems solved! 

My bespoke boyfriend created from my girlfriends would be called William. He'd have a dark (full) head of hair, and bluish-gray eyes. He'd be tall too, and have the following parts from my friends: 

From T - Her dark(ish) yet totally honest sense of humor and incredibly mature self-awareness. My comedy buddy.

From K - Her overwhelming kindness and caring for people, animals, and the environment. My horror movie watching buddy.

From M - Her ability to follow her passions (for food!) no matter the obstacles. My bike-riding buddy.

From C - Her fierce independence and curiosity for life, also my snowboarding buddy.

From R - Her ability to stay cool and calm during bad and good times. She's my rock (and mother to the cutest kids ever).

When I'm with these ladies I am always laughing. I don't have to explain my jokes. They get them and they get me. I've known some of them for 2 years and others for over 20 years. They are easy to be with. I can just exist. They are my people, and since living in NYC they have become my family too. 

While pondering all of this over a hot cup of cinnamon tea last night, I came across the move Life Partners on itunes about this very subject! When the universe talks to me, I listen.

$10 later I watched two best lady friends Paige and Sasha banter back and forth in a way that reminded me of my circle. I won't spoil the movie because you should all watch it immediately, but here are some moments that really punched me in gut.

Paige is on a date with a guy where she tries to take over by putting her name in with the hostess. Her date, cute Tim, tells her not to worry he's made reservations. Paige, shocked, explains that usually she has to do everything when it comes to dates - pick the place, time, make reservations, blah, blah, blah, can't we all relate?

Tim says (sarcastically): "Wow I wonder why those relationships never lasted."  

Jesus, Tim. Be a real person, jump out the TV and freaking marry me already!

The ladies are talking in bed (non-sexual bestie sleepover)...Paige says:

"I just want to to meet a guy I like as much as you. Is that too much to ask?"

Sasha answers: "It is, yes."

I sincerely wish within my heart of hearts that Sasha isn't right. 

I Don't Give a Sheet

I'm quirky. But you already know that. In my online dating profile I mention that I don't understand top sheets on beds. I understand them, I just don't use them. They always get crumpled up at the end of my bed or fall off on the floor during the middle of the night. This habit started while living in China for a year. I went shopping for bedding and discovered that the Chinese only use fitted sheets and blankets. Can one billion people be wrong?

I can't tell you how many men comment on this one tiny point in my profile as a conversation starter. Here are few:

Guy 1: That's interesting that you don't get top sheets. They make perfect sense to me, it's the fitted sheets that are befuddling. Does anyone know how to fold them?   

• He's got a good point. One time I tried to fold a fitted sheet the way Martha Stewart says and it still looked like a blob of cotton material. I'm not cut out for domestic duties.

Guy 2: FYI: the top-sheet on the bed was introduced by the linen lobby to double their profits (and to offset the excess cost of the elastic in the fitted-sheet).   

• I actually googled just to see if it was true because I'm that nerdy. It's not. But it's funny.

Guy 3: Also, hate the top sheet - duvets are the way forward.

• After checking out this guy's profile and photos I imagined us cuddling in a top-sheet-free bed ensconced in a 10,000 count duvet cover. We exchanged a few messages and then he deleted his profile. Fantasy shattered. 

Guy 4: I don't understand top sheets either. Just seems like more laundry to me. Besides, I sleep on my bed more than I sleep in it, if that makes any sense.  

• I pictured this guy drunk every night stumbling into his dark room and passing out on his bed fully clothed with shoes on.

And finally...Guy 5.

Him: I think I know the answer to your question about the top sheet - you're supposed to use it between yourself and the blanket or comforter - since blankets are harder to wash or at least more delicate than sheets.

Me: Wow really? I had no idea that is what top sheets are for! Now I'm going to go out and buy 10 of them. Thanks.

Him: "Between the sheets" - it's the place to be.

• In my world, "Between the sheet and duvet".

ADDENDUM: STILL DON'T GIVE A...

A Hate Letter to Couples

Dear Couples,

I don't hate you. In fact I wouldn't mind being one half of a couple myself. But here's what I DO hate: When you think that every institution or event or mode of transportation is geared toward your twosome-ness and that those who are twosome-less must defer to your double needs. 

Let me provide you with some concrete examples:

• While sitting alone in hipster movie theater that serves food at tables, you asked me to move one seat over to sit next to the other woman who was alone so you and your boyfriend could chomp on nachos y queso during the movie. I would like to point out that I arrived 30 minutes as per the website requests, "Come early to ensure that you sit with your party." I was sitting with my party of one and you ruined it.
  • (I moved one seat down but didn't like it.)
• When sitting on a plane in an aisle seat that I reserved very far ahead of time because I, a) Plan my trips months in advance, and b) Need aisle seats to feel free, you asked me to sit in the row behind so you and your other half could sit together. Did you not notice when you bought your tickets that you had the ability to choose the numbered seats on the computer screen? Or did you just plan this trip last minute? Either way I don't care. Suck up the 3 hours to Florida separated.
  • (I did not move. They glared at me. I glared back. Satisfaction ensued.)
• When spinning on my bike before Spin class a gentleman who was clearly new to the class - New Year's Resolution Guy let's call him - leans over and asks me if I wouldn't mind switching with his girlfriend who was on a bike in the far back corner - so they could spin together.  Ha! New Year's Resolution Guy clearly has never been to Spin before because he'd know there isn't time to chit-chat.
  • (I politely declined citing laziness and not wanting to readjust my bike. I also mentioned that there isn't time to chit-chat. Watched him as couldn't stand up on the bike in 2nd or 3rd positions. Satisfaction ensued.)

So couples, it looks the score is 2-1 and I'm winning. Try to remember what it was like when you weren't a twosome. When you were a one-some and you just wanted some peace and quiet: at the movies, on a plane, and in Spin.

Thanks,

100FD