I started to write this post a about a month ago. Then I read this post and wondered if that poster climbed into the insecure parts of my brain yanked out the darkest thoughts and compiled them into a much more eloquent piece of writing than I ever could have. Either way, thank you, sir.
I don't think about the possibility of ending up alone all the time, only some of time. One of these times is when I'm walking home from the subway and I see couples doing couple-y things like snuggling warm coffees in their fingerless-gloved hands in the park, or leisurely shuffling by me hand-in-hand through the crunchy autumn leaves while they gaze into each eyes asking really important questions like: "What do you want to do for dinner?"
"I want to check out that new restaurant on X street with the tapas and the schmancy cocktails!" I almost reply. But they aren't talking to me.
They look so in love. Autumn is my favorite time to be in love.
Maybe they aren't really in love and maybe they're going to break up during or after tapas but right now they look like happy. I think about how easy it would be to trip them "by accident" and then run away. They'd fall together hand-in-hand face down in the leaves.
I think about an autumn two years ago when I used to walk up that same street holding hands with my Ex, and how the single people behind us probably wanted to trip us.
But I never noticed because when you're one half of a couple you don't give a shit about other people. You never look at someone walking down the street alone and think "I really wish I were walking down this street alone." Things don't work like that.
I've been officially single for two years and I've gone on many dates (57 to be exact). I haven't met anyone that I want to be my other half, who at the same time wants me to be his other half. I haven't met anyone to shuffle through the leaves with while gripping coffees.
I know my Ex found a new girlfriend within a year or less of our break up. I know this because my friend saw them in the dairy aisle at a grocery store in DC. He found his other milk-shopping half.
Aside from the fact that I don't drink milk because it upsets my stomach is there something wrong with me? Am I dating wrong? Is that even a thing?
I don't know.
But here is the thing I do know - myself. I know when I feel chemistry and when I don't, and that even when someone is nice and clean and smart with a good job I may not feel anything.
And when I don't feel what I know can be felt because I've been in love a few times before, I'm going to move on, move forward, through the crunchy leaves, with my coffee in my fingerless-gloved hands - alone.